Your Inner Critic is Just a Mean Girl/Douchebag

 Your Inner Critic is Just a Mean Girl/Douchebag

If you struggle with your inner critic and want stop being mean to yourself,  it can be helpful to know what you are dealing with. As per the title says, it's just a mean girl/douchebag voice from high-school. In order to learn how to respond to it, first you have to understand what your inner critic is and what it does.                                                                                            

Your inner critic is not a reflection of reality.    It's a perspective of yourself that you've indoctrinated as a result of destructive life experiences, often times early life experiences and either direct or indirect negative treatment or attitudes, i.e. abuse, bullying (I hate this word, it's still abuse), poor frames of reference in family members. Of course there are a myriad of additional reasons, reasons that would need to be explored in therapy. 

Understand what it does

Blames you for things that go wrong
Compares you to others
Sets impossible standards
Beats you up for the smallest mistake
Reminds you of only your failures
Exaggerates your weaknesses and need for approval
Does this sound like something you've dealt with?
Now that you have an idea of what you're dealing, there are several ways you can address it. It's important to find what works for you and talking to a therapist can help with that. But here are some simple steps that can help you get started on your own. 

1. Respond to your inner critic by brainstorming and writing down a more realistic compassionate statement of yourself to counter these thoughts. But you first have to identify those thoughts..So for instance, if you have a tendency to say things like I'm an idiot or I can't believe I'm so stupid.... write it in the first person or imagine speaking to someone you care about that way.."You're stupid." 

The idea here is to start talking to yourself as you would someone you care about.

You want to  think about how you can reframe it under the lens of compassion and love..So an example could be "I'm having a hard time right now, but I'm capable and smart in many ways. "I may struggle at times, but I am smart and competent in many ways.

2. Reflect on what you felt emotionally and physically as a result of the statement(s) when it presented for you? Did it present in the form of tension for instance, maybe a tightness in your neck or maybe it felt heavy in your stomach? What did you feel emotionally? Did it make you feel shame hopeless? Becoming more aware of how it presents for you can help you respond to it quicker over time. 

3.  VALIDATE YOUR FEELINGS

Whatever it made you feel, you need to validate your feelings but understand that what it said isn't true...You are not validating the critic you are validating how you felt as a result of this critical statement. Let me explain when I made that about the mean girl/douchebag, well imagine that you were verbally attacked or physically by one and you tried to talk about it to someone you felt could support you; but that  person dismissed you."Oh you are too sensitive, or it's not that big of a deal? Or man up...etc. That'd be pretty shitty right? It wouldn't be helpful and it might even make you feel pretty worthless or that maybe you deserved it. What's worse is that it's probably not stopped and can actually escalate? The same is true for you internally...if you don't validate that what this critic is telling you is harmful then what message are you telling yourself? Think about what you would need to hear in the example I gave you? What would you say to yourself?

This is Why is validating your feelings is important. If you don't validate what you feel or dismiss it that can build up over time and cause you more struggles in the long run. What's worse is you are essentially giving the inner critic permission to continue hurting you.

4.  Try to imagine your inner critic as a neglected and abused animal or something that is need of help.  At first an abused animal will be scared traumatized maybe even aggressive. But under the right care it can change adjust heal. What does that care look like? Well it requires a great deal of patience, effort and gentle redirect, training...etc.

So now that you have that picture in your mind, when you inner critic presents or you recognize it, remember it just needs help and ask yourself what do I really need right now. Because our inner critic can take over pretty quickly, if we don't pay attention to our needs. So, recognize what it's saying, counter the statement as described in step one and then go through the process of checking in with yourself..pay attention to what's going on when it presents.. are you over working? Are you not sleeping well? Have you eaten? Are you socially isolated? Do I need to take a break from what your doing?

5. "CYH" CAPTURE YOUR HEART

This is about building a relationship with your emotions. This can help you learn ways to soothe yourself and develop your sense of self-worth and value. Check out a brief video here. 

https://youtu.be/yfGYfFpejqY

Here is the companion worksheet I've created to help you along in the process of practicing self-love and compassion.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tzoFQOGyjxqyb005u2ouegPfNnYYm8hooN55EvjtArk/edit?usp=sharing

If you enjoyed this read, check out the video as well. 

https://youtu.be/btRyCKsvfhk

Wishing you the best success in your journey, wherever you are.

Kesha Martin MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH